THE WAR OF THE ROADS.

It's official; the streets of Phnom Penh are now a motorized battleground. Monstrous SUV's ( sports utility vehicles ) thunder through the streets waging the destination war. Who knows where they are going, only they want to get there fast. Locals and expats ride their dirt bike stallions at an unofficial gallop through the mass of traffic. Whilst the rules of engagement are clear, bigger has the right of way, the rules of compensation are reversed with the larger mechanized attack vehicles having to pay damages for the results of skirmishes and battles. The trick of course is to beat out the competition and reach your destination avoiding the battles, and winning the war. How can that be done?


There are a number of weapons available to all modes of transport. Even the largest super tankers, the trucks, still find it useful to have one weapon in their arsenal. This is usually in the form of the sonic boom, an air horn capable of making all vehicles in their path scatter as the reverberating punch wakes even the sleepiest battlefield cruisers from their slumber. It should however be remembered that this weapon is available to all, so why not add it to your Daewo or Range Rover, and cackle like Dr. Evil as all around you jump and take flight, only to see a chuckling scooter driver charting its new, clear cut path. Your average SUV will most likely use some sort of sonic weaponry, but often will choose to operate a secondary system for night time operations. Using halogen lamps that fire scorching wavelengths of light from two side-mounted headlamps the tanks ensure they can blind all approaching vehicles, forcing the drivers to pull to the side and shield their eye's before their retinas are irrevocably scorched. Light guns also come in a single mount form, and some with dirt bikes will find there are even bouble barreled versions. Of course in this battle, the tanks, with their greater armament mounting capability, will generally win, as they build an arsenal that any ex Soviet block country would be proud of, across the roof and front bumper.


Smaller armoured personnel carriers such as the much used Camry 4WD, will add extra lighting systems with the aim of confusing other drivers as to where they are, much in the form of aircraft counter-measures. Flashing L.E.Ds, UV tubes and even strobes can be fitted to battle the other combatants as to the vehicle type they are actually approaching, if indeed they are not fooled into thinking that they have arrived at at their destination nightclub. Younger drivers of these and other sportier vehicles often display war paint on their machines exterior to demonstrate aggressive intent. Those with a more callous approach may also employ a secondary sonic device in the form of a speaker stack thudding out crappy R&B and hip hop, making other drivers beg for mercy, or even surrender and take a different road.


For those expats, and more frequently Khmer war enthusiasts, that can't afford the safety of an armoured vehicle, a war horse ( motor bike ) is often considered the next best option. A steed with two hundred and fifty to a thousand times the power of their medieval counterparts can offer some tactical advantages. With less bulk, yet with more grunt these are the opportunists of the battlefield, able to pounce on opportunities presented to them before larger vehicles have got off the blocks. Also with many employing upgraded suspension they are most able to deal with obstacles in the terrain such as high curbsides that prevent other battlers from using the fast lane of the sidewalk. Those with the most power sometimes forego this advantage in favour of pure power, allowing strikes at lightning speed to win the skirmish for that all important gap, and impressive overtaking manoeuvres that frustrate the armoured behemoths. Finally they may also benefit from a rear armament by making adjustments to the exhaust system. A straight pipe can have the dual effects of creating a huge roar from the engine that is often more effective than the sonic boom of most horns, and an afterburner of exhaust fumes that can prevent pesky ponies from getting too close to your rear end.


It is however those pesky ponies (motos) that tend to have the most weapons, and use a wide range of tactics to ensure their respect on the battlefield. The ponies borrow all of the above weapon systems from the other battle craft and find even more ingenious ways to use them. Lighting systems can be connected to any parts of these little steeds in a way even a die hard five year old with the largest collection of My Little Pony extras would be proud of. They are also often combined with a sonic system that pulses out a series of anti-melodies and light flashes at the touch of a button. The drivers of these monsters of sound and light then commonly rear them up onto the back foot in an effort to scare off the larger opponents. This occasionally results in friendly fire incidents where a rear passenger is sacrificed for the cause, but there is no war without casualties, but of course it is the barely armed grunts, the pedestrians of the streets, who are most at risk.


The grunts of all ages are left to pick their way through the carnage of the battlefield, trying to avoid direct fire, and any intermittent debris, whilst also being left to deal with the smog of war, a chemical assault on all those not harnessing the power of surgical breathing apparatus.


Let my final words be of warning. WE ARE AT WAR. DENIAL IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. ARM YOURSELF BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE OR YOU WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO REACH YOUR DESTINATION!!!!!!!


Welcome to the traffic of Phnom Penh!!